turtles and gas tanks

Why did the turtle cross the road?







To get to the shell station!

Flo-duh's gots its own language

I don't speak any languages besides English, at least not officially. I add that officially because, for some biased and close-minded reason, Encyclopedia Britannica, Webster's Dictionary, and most disturbingly of all, Wikipedia, do not recognize Florida Redneck as an official language.

Having lived among the Florida Natives (that is an important distinction, most Floridians are not natives) for 2 years, I feel qualified to say that Redneck is a language, and that the Florida dialect of Redneck falls beautifully upon the ears when heard and allows the speaker vast freedoms in eloquence and expression.

Sadly, most of my daily redneck has left me. There are still a few phrases that I use subconciously now, and hopefully forever. Like "Sho'nuff" (sure enough) for "yes". "Fair to middlin' " when asked how I am doing, "scrait" for straight, as in straight down the road.

my favorite eating place

It's called "Joe's Konvenience", it is located on South Himes in south Tampa. You can find it because it has "Joe's Konveniece" in huge letters on the roof. Incredibly, it is a convience store, and all they sell in the way of fresh food is Cuban sandwiches. Like sub sandwiches, but better. To put it simply, the cubans at this shop are absolutely amazing. You go in there around lunchtime, and you will be waiting in line for a half an hour or so behind doctors, lawyers, construction workers, and practially everyone else in Tampa. You have the option of getting the cuban pressed or not, and they are only $2.00, $2.25 with Jalepeno's. If you are in Tampa, this place will make you happy.

my first love

My first love was a girl named Jane*, in my senior year of high school. I broke it off once because she was not mormon, she broke it off once because I was not Southern Baptist, and we both broke it off for good because she wanted me to marry her and move to Arizona and start a family, and I wanted to serve a 2-year mission for my church. But, she was my first love. Since, I have discovered how love can be so much better, in my relationship with my wife, Alice*.

*names may have been changed. Or not.

one of my scarediest moment

I dun got the mostest scared when I was in 6th grade, at a huge boulder, at the culminating activity of a rock-climbing class I was in. I loved going up, but hated falling from the top, or "rapelling" as the fancy-pants pro's call it. So, I got in line to climb this boulder behind a fat kid. True to my expectations, he got half-way up and got stuck, and was too scared to come down. About 15 minutes later, they finally got the kid down. We were fresh out of time, and the teachers told me that I couldn't climb, and they were truly sad. I acted truly sad. To get to the point, I was terrified when that kid was on the wall, and I thought he would be done quickly, and that I would have to climb and then "fall" from the top.

As a post-script, I have since conquered my fear of rapelling, but have gotten worse at going up. Oh well. Maybe I'll just start racing hovercraft.

my favorite rock

My favorite rock would have to be a concretion in the mancos shale that had a well-preserved ammonoid fossil in it. It had a few other fossils too. I no longer have this, as I made the mistake of leaving it on a picnic table with my 4-year old niece nearby. She dropped it, and now it is a very complicated 3-dimensional puzzle of an ammoniod fossil.

fat mice

"Rescue Rangers" is by far the best cartoon show from my childhood. I love Monterrey Jack, the fat mouse with a serious ken for cheese. If I remember, this cheese-loving trait of his was nearly the downfall of many a Rescue Mission. Just goes to show ya, duty and personal satisfaction are mutually exclusive.